1. What sort of rental car do you prefer?
A. What do you have that will crush a normal car beneath its bumper? I’ll take that.
B. Anything that’s reasonably priced and comes with airbags and ABS.
C. Rent a car? When this nice, sweaty truck driver is offering me a lift for free?
D. Anything that has windows that roll down all the way, so I can stick my head out.
2. What sort of travel medicine do you usually bring with you?
A. I always carry a small ice chest with all known anti-venoms. You never know when you might come upon one of the many poisonous snakes in Finland.
B. The basics: Advil, Immodium, and Sinutab.
C. The basics: Diazepam, Quaaludes, Oxycodone, Jim Beam, Pepto Bismol and Ether.
D. De-worming medicine and flea shampoo.
3. What’s the best way to carry a passport?
A. In a tamper-proof neon fanny pack, tied to a small device which will explode 8 seconds after being exposed to direct sunlight.
B. In my front pocket, when it’s not being kept in the hotel safe.
C. Left safely on the bar of a brothel, rolled up with a wad of hundred dollar bills.
D. In my teeth.
4. While at a restaurant, the waiter brings you a bottle of water that has already been opened. How do you react?
A. I bounce the water bottle off the waiter’s head and loudly accuse him of trying to give me hepatitis.
B. I politely ask for the waiter to bring me a bottle which has not been opened.
C. I’m not too concerned. I’m pretty sure the 18 ounces of tequila I had for breakfast will kill whatever else I put into my system.
D. By looking up at the woman at the next able with big, soulful eyes until she pours it into a bowl for me.
5. How much cash do you carry with you when you travel?
A. No amount of cash is safe. I will purchase a cup of coffee with traveller’s cheques.
B. About a day’s worth of expenses, usually in small bills.
C. I prefer to trade in ‘barter’. (wink, wink)
D. Cash? (tilts head)
6. What sort of things do you keep in mind when you swim in a beautiful, exotic ocean?
A. Whatever you do, never ever swim in a beautiful, exotic ocean.
B. Apply sunscreen regularly, stay out of rip tides, and keep an eye out for jellyfish.
C. It’s harder than it looks to do a keg stand while riding a manta ray.
D. Do your best to dry off before lying down, or the sand will stick to your coat.
7. What do you think of travel insurance?
A. I like being able to push a button in my watch to summon helicopters full of heavily armed men without necks any time I’m in a threatening situation, like being asked for spare change by the homeless.
B. I carry a credit card which comes with some basic travel health insurance, in case anything serious happens.
C. I’m not a big fan. I’m still waiting for them to pay me for that time I went to the hospital after trying to ride a lit firework like a pony.
D. Don’t take me to the doctor! The doctor is scary! (whimper, whimper)
8. You’re coming home from a bar late at night when a robber pulls a knife on you and demands all your money. What do you do?
A. Oh, I would never leave my hotel room after 4:00 pm.
B. I would give him my money. I don’t have much, and it’s not worth the risk.
C. Awesome! Knife fight! Hiiiii-YA! (Adopts Bruce Lee stance)
D. BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!
Mostly As: You are safety conscious to the point of insanity. Hey, you know somewhere that’s really safe? A nice padded room, that’s where.
Mostly Bs: You are a safe traveller, but you’re not all annoying about it. Your reward is that you get to be the ‘responsible one’ who has to bail friends out of Honduran prisons and talk the others down when they find a hair on their pillow. Congratulations?
Mostly Cs: You have no regard for your own safety. You sure are a lot of fun to be around, but I wouldn’t want to share a glass with you, if you catch my drift.
Mostly Ds: You are a Golden Retriever.
