"Riverboarding: If you think that plastic helmet will prevent brain damage, you have brain damage." (Photo Credit: Esprit, www.whitewater.ca)
I’m actually not sure how you would classify riverboarding. I realize that I just referred to it as a sport, but I don’t think that you could classify river boarding as a sport any more than you could refer to being hunted by a psychotic billionaire on a remote private island in the Pacific Rim or accidentally setting yourself on fire as ‘sports’.
No, Riverboarding – also known as hydrospeed or white-water sledging – exists somewhere in the spectrum between a dare and a horrible accident.
If you want to imagine what riverboarding looks like, first picture all of the equipment required for white water rafting. Then, take away the raft and the paddles. Strap on a pair of fins, and grab yourself a massive styrofoam boogie-board with handles on it. You are now ready to ride your riverboard down some Category 1 and 2 white-water rapids.
If you would like to experience the thrills of riverboarding in the comfort and safety of home, you will need four things – a pool, swim fins, a friend, and a really big rock. First you put on the swim fins and hop in the pool. Next, ask your friend to pick up the rock and stand next to the edge of the pool. Then brace your arms against the side of the pool and kick your feet for the next four hours. If you stop kicking for any reason whatsoever, your friend is to hit you over the head with the rock. That’s riverboarding.
Beloved and I first went riverboarding on a small, quaint waterway known as the Ottawa River. Beloved claimed to have made all the arrangements in advance because she wanted it to be a ‘surprise’, but I’m convinced that she was trying to murder me. To be fair, having your head cracked open by a rock in the Ottawa River is pretty surprising.
(Just so no one takes their grandmother for a pleasure cruise down the Ottawa River and then sues me for negligent homicide, I should mention that the Ottawa River is actually one of the most notorious and sought-after waterways in North America for white water rafting. We were going riverboarding during the spring thaw.)
By now, some of you may feel I am exaggerating the level of difficulty and intense fear associated with riverboarding as a way of getting cheap laughs. For those in doubt, I am glad to share a video of riverboarding at Esprit so you can judge for yourself.
Despite the somewhat blurry nature of the video, you can see raw, unadulterated panic in the riverboaders’ eyes. Most look like exhausted, terrified dolphins. You will also notice that none of the clips last for more than about 2 or 3 seconds, because after that the people they are filming are sucked into the river and transformed from happy, smiling riverboarders into large, red geysers.
The real challenge posed by riverboarding is sheer exhaustion. By the end of your first run, all you can think about is how exciting it is and how much fun you’ve been missing by spending all your time on a stupid raft with its lame “paddles” and “low risk of concussion”. What you won’t realize is that you’re out there on that riverboard for a full day.
At the end of each run, you will need to kick your feet as though being pursued by sharks on jet skis in order to slide into an eddy (a calm section of water) and wait for the rest of your group. Then, once you’ve been joined by whoever survived the previous run, you’ll need to kick even harder to get out of the eddy so that you can hurl yourself headlong down another section of white water, with the occasional rock-strike thrown in for good measure.
Repeat this for three hours, along with a few portages and some rafting to get past the worst of the rapids, and you’ll have an idea of what your morning is like. Expect to do the same – but more slowly – that afternoon. We started our riverboarding excursion with about eight or nine members. By the end of the afternoon, all but three of us had stowed our boards and were resting in the raft.
Everyone else went as far as they could, but gave up when they found themselves veering off course or unable to steer, their bodies simply strained to the point of spontaneous muscle failure. These included an off-duty white water rafting instructor and our own riverboarding guide, who had suffered a nasty knock to the head while pulling himself out of the river and into the raft.
With all that exhaustion, sunburn and fear of imminent death, you might think that I was relieved when it was all done. And it’s true; I did feel a profound sense of accomplishment as the terrifying blur shifted into a lazy float along the green and rocky shores of the Ottawa River. But I also felt just a little bit sad.
It was like when your parents took away the Super Morphing Fighting Robot after you lodged one of its plastic missiles in Little Billy’s sinus cavity. Rationally, you know why the toy is being taken away and you agreed that it was in everyone best interest to have it put somewhere safe, where it can no longer hurt you or those you care about.
But that doesn’t stop you from missing it when it’s gone.
The Practical Bits
The price of riverboarding starts around CDN$90 or $100 for weekday trips. We went with Esprit, which included a modest lunch and a beer, juice or soft drink at the end. (And believe me, you will want that drink.)
Equinox Adventures also offers similar trips, but has a much shorter riverboarding season focused on the late summer.
You will need a swimsuit, a day bag and sunscreen. Snacks are also highly recommended. Bring a change of clothing and a towel, and perhaps some additional money if you plan to go out for beers after. Those of you with wet suits should probably bring them (or at least the booties), provided that they are rated for cooler water.
Apply sunscreen early and often, or you will risk making the same mistake that I did, and will end up with a ‘Farmer John’ wet suit sunburn which will leave you with the world’s worst tan for the remainder of the summer and most of the following winter.
Overnight packages are also available. For more information, check out the respective tour companies’ websites. The rendezvous points are about 60 to 90 minutes from Ottawa for Equinox and Esprit, respectively. Esprit meets at a French-Canadian greasy-spoon diner. I recommend you enjoy a hearty breakfast, as you will need every spare calorie you can get.
Have you been riverboarding or taken part in a similarly terrifying excursion? If so, what did you think of the experience?
