The Worst Kinds of Travel Buddies

There’s a lot to be said for travelling with a friend. You have someone to share experiences with, to split up research and expenses, and to help explain to the rental car company why you are returning your Hyundai with fewer mirrors than it came with originally.

But not everyone travels well. Some people just get motion sickness, or snore when they sleep, or have a tendency to punch clowns after they’ve had a few too many rounds of Jack and Redbull. But for others, it’s much worse.

They are the terrors of travelling; the villains of vacationing; the scurvy of sightseeing; the fingernails on the blackboard of backpacking. They are the Worst Kinds of Travel Buddies. If you want to enjoy your trip, you should know how to handle them and which warning signs to look for.

The Mess

You know you’re in trouble when you spot the massive suitcase and the stained duffle bag he’s bringing on a three day trip. Within 12 minutes of arriving, the clothing from his bags will have oozed over every available surface. You’ll convince yourself that you can live with it, right until you find your ‘misplaced’ toothbrush stuffed inside the wrapper of a half-eaten Snickers bar which is in turn wrapped in a pair of damp underwear, like some sort of Russian nesting doll of filthiness.

Warning Signs:

• The back seat of his car is like a wildlife sanctuary for unpaid parking tickets and fast food wrappers.

• When you find a potato chip stuck between the couch cushions, he looks over and asks whether you’re going to eat that.

What to Do: Once every few days, scoop up more than 10 feet from his suitcase or toiletry kit and dump it in a garbage bag. If he figures out that he’s missing something, like his comic book collection or his insulin, you can give it back to him. Otherwise, just leave it in the hotel closet. I’m sure he’ll thank you one day.

The Travel Princess

It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The hotel is exactly the wrong shade of blue. How the hell am I supposed to watch The Bachelor on a 20 inch television? It’s not even plasma! You want me to go for a swim in a pristine Bolivian waterfall? And get my hair wet?

Warning Signs:

• You have never seen her without make-up. Ever. She would show up for a tractor pull wearing at least lipstick and eye shadow.

• She is accompanied by a defeated-looking boyfriend whose job it is to carry shopping bags and tell her how pretty she looks.

What to Do: Your best option is to stage your own death. Assorted parents, teachers and boyfriends have tried to break the princess of her princess-ness for most of her adult life. What makes you think that you cure this over the span of a week-long road trip? Escape now before you find yourself passing up Machu Pichu in favour of a Peruvian outlet store.

The Upgrade Junkie

Whether he’s telling the gate agent that you’re flying to Ibiza for his grandmother’s funeral or smearing chocolate on your hotel room’s carpet so he can push for a free suite, the Upgrade Junkie is always trying to get something for nothing. The only thing worse than the constant scheming is the way he gloats over the occasional freebie. (“Did you see that? He gave me free WiFi. Take that, Holiday Inn!”)

Warning Signs:

• When he tells travel stories, he spends more time talking about the time he got free appetizers than when he visited the pyramids.

• He keeps a suitcase full of strange props, such as crutches, an eye patch and a fake death certificate.

What to Do: Call ahead to tell the staff that your friend is an idiot and will probably lie to them so that he can score a free upgrade. Warn them that he will probably talk for at least 10 to 15 minutes before taking a breath, but that they should try to mess with him as much as possible. (“I’m sorry, sir. Company policy states that we cannot give you can upgrade until you perform a striptease to Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me in the hotel lobby bar.”)

What’s the worst kind of travel buddy that you’ve ever travelled with?