Things That Happen When I Travel

We all have our own travel karma. Some travellers can waltz through life with first-class flight upgrades and rental villas that smell of honeysuckle and crisp hundred dollar bills. Most of us will lose our keys while exploring the Paris catacombs or watch our rental cars suffer an inglorious fate at the hooves of a large and angry land mammal.

With the belief that misery loves company, I’m pleased to share some of the things that happen to me when I travel.

1.) I Am Thoroughly Searched by Customs

I spent some time travelling through Latin America during my early twenties. I spent a few weeks in Costa Rica, some time in Venezuela, and have visited Cuba more times than I can remember. I did some surfing, drank some rum, smoked a few cigars, and enjoyed some ‘pura vida’*. It’s a period of my life that I remember fondly (at least, those parts that I can actually remember).

Months later, I was flying out to California to visit some family. Just after I checked in for my flight, I noticed that the corner of my boarding pass was labelled with SSSS**. I remember thinking that was a bit odd, but I failed to realize what it meant. After all, there’s always random numbers and letters printed on travel documents, so this must just be the one time that all of these random numbers and letter happened to be the same letter. That sounds reasonable, right?

Of course it wasn’t, but I get tend to get a bit dumb when I’ve been standing in airport line-ups for hours on end and all of the blood which should be helping my brain to find the right gate and detect imminent danger is instead trying to digest the charcoal briquette that was sold to me as a breakfast sausage.

Then I met the Customs official with the rubber glove and a very unfriendly expression. That’s when I realized that something was amiss.

Customs apparently becomes concerned when you take several short trips to destinations in South America by yourself, particularly if you’re single, male and between the ages of 18 and 36. This demographic has apparently been voted that most likely to fill their rectums with cocaine, plastic explosives and endangered animals and then try to waddle back into the country with a look of angelic innocence upon their sunburnt, stubble-covered faces.

I’ll spare you the exact details of what Customs does to people like that.

However, I will also note that my ‘special treatment’ continues to this day, every time I travel by myself. Beloved is starting to wonder whether I bring her along on trips just so I’m not looking around every corner for Customs officials hiding in wait to perform a surprise cavity search, most likely in the middle of the airport bookstore.

* The national motto of Costa Rica, ‘Pura vida’ is Spanish for ‘massive hangovers’.

** I later learned that SSSS stands for “Selected for Secondary Security Screening”. Or, as I’ve taken to referring to it, “Shit! Shit shit shit!”

2.) The Airlines Lose My Luggage

To be fair, the airline does not lose my luggage every time I travel. They mainly lose my bags when I have an urgent meeting the next day, and will thus either have to go shopping for polyester dress pants at Walmart at 12:38 am or raid a stranger’s wardrobe to cobble together something which vaguely resembles business attire.

Important Clients: “Mr. Aldred, so good to see you! Can we hang up your… uh… pottery smock?”

Me: (mumbling) “It’s a long, white sport coat…”

The other factors which will determine whether my luggage is lost are demonstrated by this handy flow chart:

Will your bag arrive at its destination or become a sacrifice to the travel gods?

3.) I Pack Inappropriate Footwear

Once my luggage finally arrives, I will then realize that I have once again failed to pack the right footwear. If I am on a business trip, I will bring sandals. If I am trekking through the rain forest, I will bring dress shoes. If I was going away on military training, I would almost certainly end up with a pair of Beloved’s high heels.

Years ago I travelled to Quepos, Costa Rica, to explore the rain forest canopy by zip-line. Naturally, this kind of a trip requires sturdy, closed-toe shoes.

I sure am excited about exploring the rainforest canopy! Good thing I remembered to bring my… goddfeckingdammmit!

Naturally, this is what I had brought with me:

Only slightly more appropriate than wearing a clay-smeared smock to a business meeting.

What sort of things happen to you when you travel?